Well it’s another day. Sitting here looking outside wow how foggy it is. I actually love the fog. Just hate the cold. It’s damn cold out right now. Poor Phil wandering around all night in that cold. I’m surprised he doesn’t get sick more often. Casuse he does security and walks around alot and gets sweaty and then cold. One gets sick easily that way. He has been more tired and cranky lately, but not headachy or nauseated like DJ and I.
DJ actually is so sick he spent the entire day sleeping. Except me waking him up to make him drink some gingerale and have some soup. He was going to take Sarah to the parade but I told him not to worry about it just to rest. Sarah was fine because I let her have a sleep over tonight. She has had quite a few now a days. If she isn’t busy with her stuff she is with friends or their here:) Apparently today she saw her sister with Christine in our parking lot picking up C for a sleepover. I am sure miss thing thinks I would be pissed to hear that but no I am not. It’s her mother I despise and wish to climb into a dark hole somewhere. Her daughter is actually a sweet kid. It’s her friend M and that whole family I have issues with. Letting them run around all hours of the night, partying, fdrinking, calling Mary a cracker and her having to come her 2am because they were calling her that and putting her down she came home bawling. Disgusts me. Like fuck people! Guess it don’t much matter I am not in control of that situation anymore.
Oh crap here I go wanting to cry again. I am so tired of that overwhelming feeling of crying. Just rushes over me and I cry so hard I dry heave. I try hard to keep it from Phil and the kids, it’s stupid I do it at all. Fucking I am so fucking weak, I hate life!
Anyhow Sarah says Christine told her she will talk to my brother about putting Miss Mary in the program Sarah is in so they can go together. I asked him already a month ago, Mary told Sarah he won’t let her go. But sounds like Christine might change that. It is only 10 dollars a month, how much better a deal can ya get? We forgot about it today cause last week there was none. But next week we’ll get back on track.
Sarah’s report card came home she gets letter grades this year. I am trying to figure out how I am going to pay her because I can’t pay her the same as the other two because it’s alot harder for her. I loved what he teacher had to say:"Sarah is a delight to have in class. She has a positive attitude and good work ethic. She is an especially good athlete and has wowed me several times with her abilities!" That was her class teacher, ah my little sportsgirl. I am so proud of her. She had alot more to say but that made me smile. Then remember how I said at the beginning of the year they called concerned about the affect her sister was having on her and that it was making things hard being called stupid by her all the time. Well since then things have obviously changed for the better. That same teacher had this to say: "Sarah’s confidence has really improved since last year. She has a positive attitude to learning." Makes me doubt a little less of myself when I see how much better it’s made Sarah. I just wish my brother understood where I am coming from on that front. DJ has actually been tutoring her in math and he is so patient and helpful. I just am so proud of him for being so patient and understanding with her. One day she even had a huge fit about homeowrk and said she wasn’t doing it. She was just loosing it. Phil and I went out and DJ had a little talk with her and boom she did it. Is that a sweet big brother or what? They are not super close I am sure age has alot to do with it, but he has been really good for her. Makes me smile inside and out when I see the way he is with her.
Oh I got one of the things from my wishlist for my bday the Michelle Wright CD Timeless, very good CD but alot of songs I wish would have been on there that aren’t. I hope she makes another CD soon with mixes of her CD’s. The Eurythmics CD omg it so rocks. It has so many of their good songs it rocks!
We’re still trying to figure out how to the IPOD Mini, we never got a manual with it. Frustrating. Even DJ can’t figure it out:(
Lately with Phil things have been so wierd. One day it feels like we are closer than we’ve ever been and then the next it’s like all comes undone. We’re so different. He has no interest in my interests and I have no interest in his interests. But when he is his gentle, loving guy my heart it just melts. Even physically we have nothing in common and we’re rarely close. When he’s home we spend most of our time apart. His comp isn’t hooked up so he’s not on that but when it was he was on it and talking was pointless he was too into looking at ebay and transformers. Alot of the time he is playing with his transformers or watching TV and doing something. I am on here or watching TV or resting. He loves that I am usually up now but now he is always in the room. I am usually down here alone. We don’t snuggle at night when he’s here. Well rarely. He is trying to be more attentive and karate is definetly giving him more focus his temper is dwindling. However when he does get tempermental I just wanna pull into a shell. I don’t know how to stop it. Once he gets riled up it’s real hard to calm him back down. Thankfully he rarely gets mad at the kids. That was stressful with him and Mary they were always and I mean ALWAYS at one another. She loved to get to him. Sadly I admit I didn’t miss her when she left but lately I think about her alot. I wish it didn’t hurt so much. Wish I could just pretend I never had another kid.
I do not understand why God gave me kids. I don’t feel like I am the parent I thought I would be. How come my brother lost his kid and he would have been such a great dad? How come he lost her and I didn’t loose mine? They told me DJ was going to die but he didn’t he’s almost 15 yrs old now. He’s such a good boy too. I adore my kids they are outspoken, they are smart and they have good hearts. DJ tries hard to keep his heart hidden but every once in awhile he lets it show. But I don’t think DJ and Mary are as strong as they are because of me, they just are. I have tried harder with Sarah and I think it shows. At least people say it shows that I have. I just can’t seem to stop babying her though.
Oh man Fog is getting thicker, my tears are still flowing. Just a few more days till I see my psychiatrist, sad I am happy about that eh? Cause another thing I am having issues with is hearing people talk. I feel like it is like being stabbed a million times, it drives me around the bend. So when I get yacked at continually I get snappy and I am trying so hard not to, just so irritable, what the hell is wrong with me with that?
Oh I was late getting my iron shot but I did get it and I decided why not might as well get the flu shot too. The iron shot hurt like a fricken bitch. It sent a shock right up my spine. I never said nothing to the dr took all I had not to pass out. Never felt like that before. They told me if I ever get a pain down the leg scream to stop. Nevr said nothing bout the spine so never said nothing. I have been feeling woozy since. Probably the flu shot. Made me sick last year too. I hate the stupid iron shots every two weeks and for what? My iron, ferritin and hemoglobin are all still low. I am supposed to get a tat of SIDS ribbon and dedication to Alden on my ankle but not allowed with all those low. I have decided I might go get it in the next few months anyway. Screw it I want it and I want it now! I am sure I might bleed a little more than I should but I won’t die! Wouldn’t be that lucky:)
So what over 2 months now of me living on soup? I am so tired of living on soup. I mean I have ate some solid food but it’s rare and I usually only eat a tad bit of it before becoming really ill and having to feed it to Phil. Primo soup is making alot of money off me lol. I basically always have a full cupboard of Primo grilled chicken with wild rice. I also have made my own. When it gets to the end I freshen it up and then when low again I make it into stew. Phil and I like it! God the soup I make tastes soooooooooooooo good. We’ve made ALOT of chicken lately. Although I do right now have some peppered steak out. I usually make baby potatoes or different types of Lipton Noodles and sauce with our meat. When I make potatoes I have to have gravy for sarah lol.
Anyhow I am so happy we had our municipal election today we kept the same mayor in Victoria. He is a really good mayor so I figured he’d win again! Did ya hear Carol James is trying to put a halt on the MLA’s pay raises? Way to go woman. Like it will change anything though like God. Why didn’t she win the damn election? Phil insists it was fixed cause no way in hell would shithead have gotten back in unless it was.
Oh can we say I hate the curse of my family’s hips grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I went to put on my jeans and they fit everywhere but the fucking hips! I wanted to cry. Do you know how hard hips are to loose? I wanna wear my jeans, and I am living on soup. I am always up now what the hell gives? God I am even cleaning alot lately. Yeah me even with the pain and omg I can say everytime I do shit I cry just trying to stand up straight. I HATE the curse of pain, why do I have to have osteoarthrtis in my damn spine? WHY? Does anyone have any idea how much it kills? Oh and today my back was stinging so bad turns out I have a huge assed blister on it. How the hell do you get a blister on your back? IT HURTs, I did pop it and holy fluid batman. Stinging oh that doesn’t even begin to describe it, but stinging less now, so hopefully that means it will get better now! Anyhow I have a poem I wrote I will put here now and a poem that made me cry and a poem of the masks I wear, which is totally me! Plus some more about my causes. *hugs all*
THE VIOLATION
Dedicated to the Women
Who have felt the
pain of rape
His kisses cold as ice, her body frozen.
Tears that fill her eyes, begging to be set free.
he holds her down, forcing himself into her.
The pain unlike any that could ever be explained.
The tears she wants to cry, but cannot.
Her cries and pleading for him to stop, he ignores them.
She spells out NO and he just plunges deeper within her.
Her insides that burn as he rubs them, she dies inside.
Her body goes limp and she is just a cavity for him to use.
his body like a rock crashes down on her, she is barely able to breathe.
her mind floods with the blackness of shock, she shuts down.
No emotion can be felt. He leans deeper within her, she begs him to just let go,
to free her; but he just picks up the pace.
her heart feels like it will shut off.
Finally he fills her with his darkness, and
she lies dead unable to breathe.
Wishing she couldn’t feel anything.
Thankful for the darkness of the room,
and the burning tears he cannot see.
Sick and weak, she feels him naked next to her.
She turns weakly away, wishing to be swallowed up.
The pain she feels, the throbbing inside, wishing she couldn’t feel.
praying for the little girl to take it away.
tonight the woman died again, a violation he caused her.
A memory forever tatooed within her.
By: Angela MacRae © Copyright
Stop Canada’s Senseless Baby Seal Hunt
In just a few weeks, hundreds of thousands of baby harp seals will be slaughtered for their pelts out on the ice floes of Eastern Canada.
Hunters armed with clubs and rifles will bludgeon to death these adorable, defenseless animals. At least 95% of the seals killed will be less than three months old!
This is the largest deliberate slaughter of marine mammals in the world; and it’s driven purely for commercial profit.
Canada wants the media and public to believe that no one cares about the innocent blood spilled each year.
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/takeaction/370512755?z00m=21818&z00m=21818
http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 (one click a day free helps save seals, it’s so easy, please consider doing it)
We are proud to offer our new SIDS Awareness Bracelets!
it is our hope that when our own SIDS bracelets are worn, it will raise awareness in our fight against SIDS. The bracelet is white with the word SIDS in block letters.
http://www.infantsurvival.org/awareness_bracelets.htm
Leaving: Interviews With Women Who Have Left Abusive Relationships
What do women who have left abuse have to say to women who are still in an abusive relationship? This is the research question that started this participatory action research project that uses feminist methodologies. The author, Angela MacRae, was enrolled in a welfare-to-work program to complete a work experience practicum as a researcher. The report presents Angela’s experiences and thoughts and the results of nine in-depth interviews with women who have left abuse. Hundreds of copies have been ordered by Transition Houses and the booklet was also reprinted in Kinesis magazine.
By Angela MacRae - June 1999 - 14 page booklet
Full Report
http://www.vipirg.ca/assets/publications/research_reports/leaving.pdf
Sarah
My name is Sarah
I am but three,
My eyes are swollen
I cannot see,
I must be stupid,
I must be bad,
What else could have made
My daddy so mad?
I wish I were better,
I wish I weren’t ugly,
Then maybe my Mommy
Would still want to hug me.
I can’t speak at all,
I can’t do a wrong
Or else I’m locked up
All the day long.
When I awake I’m all alone
The house is dark
My folks aren’t home.
When my Mommy does come
I’ll try and be nice,
So maybe I’ll get just
One whipping tonight.
Don’t make a sound!
I just heard a car
My daddy is back
From Charlie’s Bar.
I hear him curse
My name he calls
I press myself
Against the wall.
I try and hide
From his evil eyes
I’m so afraid now
I’m starting to cry.
He finds me weeping
He shouts ugly words,
He says its my fault
That he suffers at work.
He slaps me and hits me
And yells at me more,
I finally get free
And I run for the door.
He’s already locked it
And I start to bawl,
He takes me and throws me
Against the hard wall.
I fall to the floor
With my bones nearly broken,
And my daddy continues
With more bad words spoken.
"I’m sorry!", I scream
But its now much too late
His face has been twisted
Into unimaginable hate.
The hurt and the pain
Again and again
Oh please God, have mercy!
Oh please let it end!
And he finally stops
And heads for the door,
While I lay there motionless
Sprawled on the floor.
My name is Sarah
And I am but three,
Tonight my daddy
Murdered me.
My causes by the way are: Heart and Stroke Foundation, Vancouver Children’s hospital, Arthrtis,
Diabetis Association, MADD, Street Youth, Domestic Violence,
SIDS, AIDS Association, Literacy Association, Animal Protection, Disabilities, Mental Illness
Who am I?
Don’t be fooled by me.
Don’t be fooled by the face I wear,
For I wear a mask, I wear a thousand masks.
Masks that I am afraid to take off.
But none of them are me.
But don’t be fooled.
I give you the impression that I am secure,
That all is sunny and unruffled with me,
Within as well as without,
That confidence is my name and coolness my game,
And that I need no one,
Don’t believe me, Please!
My surface may be smooth,
But my surface is my mask,
My vaying and ever concealing mask.
Beneath lies no smugness,
No complacence.
Beneath dwells the real me,
In confusion and fear,
In loneliness.
I idly chatter with you in the suave tones of surface talk.
I tell you everything that’s really nothing,
Of what’s crying within me.
So, when I’m going through my routine,
Please don’t be fooled by what I’m saying.
Please listen carefully, and try to hear what I’m not saying,
And what I’d like to be able to say,
What for survival I need to say,
But what I can’t say.
Only you can call me into aliveness,
Each time you’re kind, and gentle, and encouraging,
Each time you try to understand because you really care,
My heart begins to grow wings.
Very small wings, very feeble wings, but wings.
With your sympathy and sensitivity,
And your power of understanding,
You can breathe life into me,
I want you to know that.
I want you to know how important you are to me,
How you can be a creator of the person that is me if you choose to.
Please choose to.
Do not pass me by.
It will not be easy for you.
My long conviction of worthlessness builds strong walls.
The nearer you approach me, the blinder I may strike back.
I fight against the very thing I cry out for,
But I am told that love is stronger than strong walls,
In this lies my hope.
My only hope.
Who am I, you may wonder.
I am someone you know very well,
I am a hurting member of your family,
I am the hurting person sitting beside you in this room,
I am every person you meet on the street.
Please don’t believe my mask,
Please come behind it to glimpse the real me.
Please speak to me, share a little of yourself with me,
At least recognize me.
Please …
Because You Care.
Author Unknown to me
A couple of fun links:)
http://www.myyearbook.com/ladyillusions/
http://www.brunching.com/cgi/oralsexdonate.cgi?id=25864-1050029840 http://www.brunching.com/images/oralsexbutton.jpgOral Sex Donations Accepted
Tee hee bad me, but hey I am a scorpio yo…
Archive for November, 2005
Potpouri of Stuff
I Hate MLA’s
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Happy Birthday to me
Well last night Doug and I kinda got into it. We have never truly had a huge fight or anything, however we do have our tiffs. Last night was pretty bad. I don’t know we will be talking again anytime again soon. He was supposed to coome over last night but I ended up making that not happen.
On a happier note Phil took me out to dinner last night because he is working tonight. We went to Moxies and ran into Colin. We were supposed to go watch a movie but I just wasn’t up to it. Phil tried to change my mind but I don’t think I could have sat through a movie last night. He surprised me with a cellphone for my bday. I cannot even begin to say how happy I was to get that. I also have an ipod and leather jacket coming. He got them on ebay so were good prices. Not the jacket in my dream entry but my whole family has had leather jackets and I always wanted one so I am happy. God Phil can be so incredible sometimes. Today he got me a cake and we had subway for dinner. Well he had got subway Princess ate mine. I am choked about that. DJ bought me the CD Eurythmics Ultimate Collection CD and his card was so loving and sweet I cried. Mary called this morning but only to talk to Sarah and not me, so that made me cry. But whatever.So I guess my birthday didn’t suck as much as I thought it would. WIsh Phil had, had the day off but that’s life right?
Been doing laundry and trying to get that done. Not sure how all the blankets got down there but at least they are all washed and clean now. I see we need to get more bath towels though. Not sure where they all disappeared but with everything clean there is just not as many as there should be. I was cleaning my room too. I still need to do the dresser, under the bed and wash the floor. I guess ya can say my energy is slowly finding it’s way back. I guess that happens when your less stressed.
DJ has such a bad habit of not being reachable that we decided he needs cell and his allowance is going towards it. Telus has a deal where we can use Phil’s now older phone buy the setup for 65 dollars and then set it up online and get 75$ of airtime. How good a deal is that? Phil asked twice and the lady said alot of people question it because it is such a good deal. Half DJ’s allowance will be going to his celltime every month. He’s a little upset because he wanted a flip phone I told him to save up if he wants one. Be Happy to have a phone right?
I have to say my friends are wonderful. Sherri called me, Doreen called me, Michael sang happy birthday to me until I had to talk to him about family maintence I don’t even want to go there about what was said then:( Anyhow Vickie sent me a card by mail, Phoenix sent an email card as did my grandmother. I got so many online friends who sent messages, and ecards, truly if one of you is reading this it meant alot to me. I hate birthdays they always make me cry. I know I can’t be the only one who gets so depressed about bdays.
I was soooooooooooooo happy yesterday my counsellor called me and because it will take awhile for me to get into group she and my psychiatrist have agreed to see me until I can get in. Thank God because I need a review of my meds. My meds are making me feel ill now as is T1’s for that matter. Ibuprofen doesn’t kill my pain. Any suggestions?
Is anyone else watching Martha Stewart Apprentice? I was so not into watching it but nothing else is on in that time slot. Funny enough it has captured my interest and I find myself interested in it now. I am in respect of team matchstick. My favorite one was when they did Tide to go Joe for Tide to go stick. Because of them I actually want to get a couple of those pens. One for me to keep with me and one for Phil for work ect. You have to love the economical price too. Hey to my candian friends do you all know about http://www.save.ca ? I love that site because they send you coupons and with my needing to save as much as possible I wish there were more sites like that.
K this is html not sure if it will work on here but if it does cool:
<img src="http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/count_hugs.cgi?hug=LadyIllusions" height="40" width="240" title="HUGS"><br clear="all">
*HUGS* TOTAL!<a href="http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/hugs.cgi?&HUGS=yes&hug=LadyIllusions">give LadyIllusions more *HUGS*</a>
<br><small><a href="http://www.toxin.org/cgi-bin/gethugs.cgi">Get hugs of your own</a></small><br clear="all"><br><a href=http://English-8101850988.SpamPoison.com><imgsrc=http://pics.inxhost.com/images/sticker.gif save border=0 width=80 height=15></a> As per usual I also have a couple sites you can check out that I joined/signed lately. ONE: The Campaign to Make Poverty History. Your voice DOES make a difference!
lend your voice to help beat global AIDS and poverty. Sign the declaration now at ONE.org. ONE by ONE, we can make the difference.
We are seeking 80,000 people who are willing to be part of an experiment to see if we can shift the world’s perception of "good and evil" to a perception of love. It won’t cost you any money and will take only seconds a day. We believe we are all one mind and that if enough people (critical mass) could shift their own personal perception–change their minds–about the existence of evil, then the whole planet could shift into a perception of love.We also believe that world peace begins with each individual achieving a state of peace within themselves. We can begin to do that for ourselves by becoming aware of the "negative" influences in our lives and choosing consciously to eliminate or shift those influences.
What we propose is a two step process as follows:
STEP 1: Whenever you perceive that a negative event is occurring, either by witnessing it in person or hearing about it in the media, say the words "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS." This phrase sends "positive" energy to the perceived negative event as you stand as an observer in non-judgment. It will also help shift the perception that for good to exist, evil must also exist (polarity theory). As your perception shifts, you will perceive less and less negativity. This process therefore acts as a barometer to measure your own sense of inner peace. The less negativity you perceive, the less you will find yourself needing to affirm "Only Love Prevails".
STEP 2: Become aware that the news media has a profound impact on your perception. Do whatever you need to do to protect yourself from exposure to "negative" or fear-based stories in the media. This might mean that you filter your exposure to the news media and become very selective about what you do read or watch or listen to or it might mean giving up watching or listening to newscasts or reading newspapers altogether. Just bringing your awareness to the negativity that permeates the news media, however, will help shift your consciousness.We feel that if enough people (critical mass) stopped exposing themselves to the "negative energy" generated by the news media and repeated "ONLY LOVE PREVAILS" whenever exposed to a report of an incident that appeared to be negative that we could shift the consciousness of the planet to a perception that ONLY LOVE PREVAILS. This would be a giant step toward achieving a state of inner as well as outer peace.
In order for us to know when we reach our goal of 80,000, we are keeping track of number of people who are participating as well as the demographics (how many in each country).If you would like to participate in this experiment, we would love to hear from you. Please fill out our online form at: http://www.onlyloveprevails.org.
This experiment began in December 1997. As of November 2004 we have had over 21,000 people from 146 countries around the world officially participating with every state in the United States represented. We encourage you to join in this world changing experiment and to tell your friends. Together we will create a world of peace where… ONLY LOVE PREVAILS.With all the negativity around I think that is so great. I am curious what the results will show. Anyhow off for now….
Emotional Me
Well Phil and I had a fight today. I am a little overtired and cranky today so I probably am more hard to get along with today. I think it’s the fact my birthday is inching it’s way here.
I kinda am upset because Mary was the one child who would happily say happy birthday to me, she may not have been nice the whole day but she has always remembered and always said happy birthday to me. Lately I am starting to miss her more than I did. I still have fights with Phil over her I guess in a way I blame him for her not being here. Realistically I know he’s not but I guess he’s an easy target.
It’s nice to have been able to talk to friends. I was sad to hear one of them died recently of diabetes. Why does death have to be so abundant? I hate hearing that word lately it sets me off hugely. He was my age too, things like that should not happen. So why does it?
Princess has been bad she chewed Phil’s bike seat and pedal. Yikes. It’s not like we don’t get her toys to chew on and we play with her alot. LOL when she knows she is in trouble with Phil she runs into her dog house. That cracked me up, cause otherwise she won’t go into it. Silly dog.
I am frustrated cause awhile ago Phil got me a digital camera and everytime I out new batteries in it keeps telling me the batteries are low. So I may have to take it back and see wtf is going on with it. It also shows some pics up as dark. I am so happy to have one I want it to work darn it.
Oh Feel free to join my yahoo 360 page. Would be great to have you on my
friends list
360.yahoo.com/profile-9m_YOaA0baM_P7pVVe27Y_QSrgpu?inv=L28lqwtnKg–&r=
Ya know talking to friends in Ontario I miss it more and more. I wish so darned much I could go back to ontario. Phil won’t go and kids have all their family is here. I just miss it so much. Maybe if I went back to visit I would stop aching to go back there so badly. Cause sometimes it makes me cry. I think I just did’t get to leave on terms I was ready for. BC is so nothing like Ontario.
Have not heard anymore from DJ’s uncle but I did give him his email addy my email addy and our address so maybe Bryan will contact DJ. I sure hope so. DJ really super bad wants to talk to him. Last I heard he was in Ottawa and it looks like his brother went to University there studying the same stuff Bryan studied.
How do people think of teens being online with webcams? I have an issue with it. I just get scared bad things will happen or could happen.
I don’t know what is wrong with me I just want to cry today but am trying not to. Like my dad used to say what does crying accomplish? I just am being stupid crying!
God I feel so alone right now. I am so weak ya know? I can’t help but question what is the point of my exhistance?
Ya know this link I am giving upsets me. One because it is in canada, I thought our country was better than this. Two these seals are babies and it’s sport. How do these people live with themselves?
Help protect baby seals from a cruel and senseless hunt subsidized by the Canadian government!
When you click this link, sponsors make a donation to the help the International Fund for Animal Welfare buy air time for its public service announcements that will build public awareness of and opposition to the baby seal hunt. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more!
Simply go to the site and click on the "Click to help" button. It takes one second. Remember, you’re only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know!
Just click: http://babyseals.care2.com/i?p=465055580 Please care enough to help click just once a day this is so careless and cruel it just breaks my heart
Having been through domestic abuse I know all the help we can give this link is very important to me too:
I just learned some really upsetting facts about violence against women, and I need your help:
- In the US, a woman is raped every 6 minutes; a woman is battered every 15 seconds.
- In North Africa, 6,000 women are genitally mutilated each day.
- This year, more than 15,000 women will be sold into sexual slavery in China.
- 200 women in Bangladesh will be horribly disfigured when their spurned husbands or suitors burn them with acid.
- More than 7,000 women in India will be murdered by their families and in-laws in disputes over dowries.
Here’s what you can do:
Visit this link: http://stopviolence.care2.com/i?p=522077044
You will generate a donation to Amnesty International’s End Violence Against Women program. Forward this email to all of your friends to help support even more! Simply go to the site and click on the "End Violence" button. It takes 5 seconds. However, you’re only allowed one donation per day, so tell everyone you know! Thanks for your help!
Ya know what I found funny that the news said the other day? Not so much that canadian troops were being deployed out but by what the news anchor said "The SO CALLED war on terrorism" Not sure you would hear that statement in the USA or elsewhere but the other night he said it exactly like that. I mean what does that say about canadians feelings on the war? Any thoughts?
Anyhow I am off for now…
Sleepless at my Place
Well yep I have not slept. Back on the few days of no sleep. Pretty sad. I mean I do get tired, but I lay down and the racing thoughts are just too much.
Ya know I would like to know how people get over betrayal. I mean the whole Deb thing with Phil happened this summer and it got stopped before it went further than maybe it could have gone. However the open lies has made me very mistrustful. Guys never seem to hold on to that mistrust. Some women are able to let go. So tell me what are their secrets to doing that? Cause I can’t seem to let that go and I can’t seem to believe anything now. I hate it and it eats me alive. All the reassurance in the world by him doesn’t seem to change my doubts.
Ya know I know this post is gonna be all over the place. But I also thought last night about what Christine said about how my Aunt Judy and cousin Tiffanie spend days and hours googling my name and hunt me down on the net. Like who the hell does that? Who has family so spiteful that they look for shit? Who fucking cares. Like God do we have such a piss poor life you have to try and destroy others? Almost makes it fun for me lol. I truly don’t care what people think about me, I was not put on this earth to make anyone happy. Plus I never have made anyone happy why should that change now? Geepers. Just makes me shake my head. Gotta be proud of having a very disfunctional family. LOL even workers have said and written in remarks how I have one of the most disfunctional families they have ever come across. Gee don’t have to tell me that.
Dj is on his way home only to be going out again with his gf for awhile. Sarah is at a bday party. It’s pretty nice out, so I have Princess outside for awhile.
I sent my Aunt Karen a bday card it’s her bday today. She is cool, a little different than the rest of my family. A scorpio too so there ya go. Scorpio’s do rock right?
Anyone else have a dog with a dog house they won’t use? None of us can understand why the hell our mutt won’t go into her house when it is raining or cold. Thankfully she is almost 100% trained, she whines to go outside now and paces. She never used to alert us. Now I just need to get the stuff Doug told me about to take the smell out of her one spot upstairs. He says it is really strong and no smell will be there for her to recognize again. Whew hoo.
My hair is finally growing back to it’s original thickness. I lost alot when I had all the surgeries. I mean ALOT! Plus it’s not always falling out in handfuls anymore.
I still humming and hawing about getting the flu shot. Year before last I did well with it but last year I got really super sick. I don’t want to get like that again from another shot.
I have roast cooking for dinner ahhhhhhhhh smells good. Making it with gravym mushrooms, baby potatoes, baby carrots and hoping to also make yorkshire pudding as well. We all love them alot. Can never have too many. Everyone loves my roast and I am pretty proud of that. I like it because it is made in the crock pot and it is so soft and tender it just falls apart. People liked my roast pan roast too but this is even a little more tender. Of course I use lots of Garlic. I have to be thankful I had a mother who made good good food. She was and is an awesome cook. She taught me to cook and I am thankful for that. Wish as kids we could recognize how lucky we are to have parents teach us things like cooking. I know so many people who couldn’t or still cannot cook. It’s sad.
It’s been nice talking to friends from the day we could have fun. Things have changed alot for some. Hmmmmm.
Anyhow am watching Just for laughs. Ahhhhhh too funny, I love this comedy channel…
I do again have a couple links to check out, would be great if ya did. Until laterz…
Click on the link below and please enter your birthday for me. It will take less than 1 minute. I am creating a birthday list of all my friends and family.
http://www.birthdayalarm.com/dob/295514a1933970b363
Many thanks
Angela (LadyIllusions)
This is a great idea! Go to http://endbreastcancer.com and click on the button that says, "Climb to End Breast Cancer."
You’ll be one of the first people participate in the largest virtual mountain climb in the world! With every click, (or "step") you generate a donation to eliminate the environmental causes of breast cancer–for free. Sponsors pay for your click and give the money to The Breast Cancer Fund’s programs focusing on environmental links to breast cancer. It only takes a second! Click here: http://endbreastcancer.com
I also like this site, may be interesting to some not so much to other
s
www.waketodie.proboards45.com
Oh yeah I am excited to say I found DJ’s Uncle Mark he is pretty happy. I am happy for DJ but we’ll see how far it will take us to getting in contact with his dad. I really hope for DJ’s sake that Mark will help him. He really wants to talk to his dad. So wish him luck…
Closer
Well been a few days since I last blogged. I am cycling lately up for days asleep half a day ect. Been crying ALOT lately. I start talking and I burst into tears.
I miss my daughter and my birthday is coming and I hate birthdays.
Talk to Doug on email here and there but not much.
However Phil last few days has been so attentive to me it’s not even funny. It’s how I wish he could always be. This is what I care about, not what he can or can’t buy me. Which is good cause we are so in living on credit lately, even that we don’t wanna do anymore cause it will just make things so much worse.
I’m gonna go to a therapy group soon. Another part of my depression is dealing with loosing my neice and I can’t talk to anyone about it because it’s like I didn’t know her so I have no right to feel pain. But I will never forget the day I saw her. It’s painted in my memories and the flashbacks are huge lately. Also the fact just before my sister in law died I had asked what would happen if she died would my brother come home. I never thought or wanted it to happen I just so missed my brother and now my brother I think hates me so I just feel so dead inside. I don’t blame him. I guess my daughter hates me too. DJ is really sweet he tries to make me feel better and I adore him for trying. I know though that I just fucked up real bad.
I need a new start and lately Phil has made me feel like I can get that. The other night he so surprised me when he came to bed omg words can’t describe. He also lately says all the time that he really does love me alot. I believe he does, I was just feeling so alone because unlike me he is more about giving things to show love than emotionally giving. Without emotions nothing else truly matters.
So things are getting quieter and happier here and yet now my emotions are like a rush I can’t seem to stop. What the hell is wrong with me?
It’s nice we keep busy. With everything we have Sarah busy in laying around all day is going out the door, which is a huge change for me. For a long time I just didn’t do anything but lay around. I still have my days but more often now I am up and Phil and I go out more now. I wanna keep Sarah busy to keep her from getting into trouble. I am very proud of her. I really think she will go far in life. I can’t wait this year she is finally gonna get tested. We’ve been waiting for years. All the extra time put into her though God she is doing so much better. Her teachers also were concerned about her sister being around her and asked about it the beginning of the year because they feel she was making Sarah doubt herself and giving her bad self esteem they have remarked how that’s changed now and their happy to see the changes in her. I am too. We did try to talk to her sister about putting her down I mean all siblings do do that but it did so affect Sarah and now she is just improving by leaps and bounds.
Apparently Hilary Duff is coming here in Jauary and Sarah’s friends are going. Phil and I talked about it and we’re discussing maybe doing that for Christmas. Tickets are actually not too badly priced. One of us would have to go though. Phil said he would go but i GUESS i COULD HANDLE IT. iF IT WOULD MAKE HER HAPPY RIGHT?
I’m still living on damn chicken soup. I am so sick of fricken soup. but it’s only thing makes me not want to be sick. Only good thing about it is helping my weight.
Oh I been on classmates.com oh my god I found so many of my friends on there. I even found a friend of my brothers only he is on the missing list so I have it put to notify me if he comes back on and then I can let my brother know.
DJ wrote his wishlist for Christmas it’s actually not too bad. If he didn’t write a list we wouldn’t know what to get him, he wants alot but a little if that makes any sense.
Oh check this out:
This is a cool site I joined ya should check it out, you can get a free ipod among other things:)
http://ipods.freepay.com/?r=24729383
I got an email the other day I’ve seen it before always makes me cry. Do schools not do drunk driving contracts anymore? I think things like this would keep MADD having contracts like that in school still we had them.
I WENT TO A PARTY, MUM
I went to a party, And remembered what you said.
You told me not to drink, Mom So I had a sprite instead.
I felt proud of myself, The way you said I would,
That I didn’t drink and drive, Though some friends said I should.
I made a healthy choice, And your advice to me was right,
The party finally ended, And the kids drove out of sight.
I got into my car, Sure to get home in one piece,
I never knew what was coming, Mom
Something I expected least. Now I’m lying on the pavement,
And I hear the policeman say, The kid that caused this wreck was drunk,
Mom, his voice seems far away. My own blood’s all around me,
I can hear the paramedic say, This girl is going to die.
I’m sure the guy had no idea, While he was flying high,
Because he chose to drink and drive, Now I would have to die.
So why do people do it, Mom Knowing that it ruins lives?
And now the pain is cutting me, Like a hundred stabbing knives.
Tell sister not to be afraid, Mom Tell daddy to be brave,
And when I go to heaven, Put "Mommy’s Girl" on my grave.
Someone should have taught him, That it’s wrong to drink and drive.
Maybe if his parents had, I’d still be alive.
My breath is getting shorter, Mom ‘m getting really scared.
These are my final moments, And I’m so unprepared.
I wish that you could hold me Mom, As I lie here and die.
I wish that I could say, "I love you Mom!" So I love you and good-bye.
I really hope no one I know ever experiences something like that.
One last site I found recently also has my support and heart.
I am going today to ask you to take one simple action to protect women from violence. Please, join me in signing the 700women.org petition.
Every day 700 women are assaulted by their intimate partners–and four are murdered.
In September, Congress will consider the reauthorization of the Violence Against Women Act (VAWA), which is the most important legislation ever enacted to protect women from domestic violence and sexual assault.
If it is not reauthorized, victims of domestic violence, sexual violence and the organizations that support them are at risk of losing aid and protection.
Please, join me in supporting the reauthorization of VAWA. It’s simple and important - and will only take you a minute. Click here: http://www.700women.org/
So that’s me, hope everyone else is doing well. God bless…
Oh one last thing does anyone else have hotbar? I lost it with a program I got and been trying to reinstall it and all it keeps saying is finalizing install and screwing up my internet. WTF? 
Winter Will Come…
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Man it has been so cold out, my jacket I got last year just has not been keeping me warm. Tonight when DJ got home he said that the jacket he wants his friend told him was 30 dollars at Old Navy. I told him yeah right but we’ll go look. Yeah hi it was 69.00 down from 90. Well his clothes are still paid for he gets a monthly allowance from his foster care so he got it. Phil needed one and they are water resistant so he got one too. Phil was gonna buy me something there but I said no way prices are just too much and he is living on credit lately. I did agree to look at Walmart and yeah I got a jacket there for a much better price. I also got a sweater because I have mostly t shirts right now and it’s so cold I need warmer clothes. I also got some socks and thongs. Sarah got a little monkey. DJ bought his foster brother Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and his foster sister a monkey for her first bday from all of us. Sarah got a little stuffed monkey and yeah I got a stuffed german shepard. I am on this kick collecting german shepard stuff now. I already collect pushback buttons and pins. I collect skeltons and skull stuff and wizards, dragons, and angels. Yeah I like the mystical. I also collect cat ornaments. I also love windchimes.
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Another Night Awake
My sleep patterns are so fucked up the last couple months. Days awake, day asleep to make up for those days of no sleep. I am going crazy I swear.Phil is gonna drown in debt if he keeps spending on his credit. But with certain people demanding more money out of us we are just having to live on credit to exist. Must be nice for them now they got more than they would have had any other way. Hope they are happy!
We’ve taken advantage of some sales got some new shoes for DJ, Phil and I. Phil had to get a couple shirts that don’t stay wet when he is working, they cost a bit but in this weather they will help him stay dry which will lessen his likelihood of getting sick. It is so damn cold I know it is gonna snow this year. I have to some way find a way to get a winter jacket and really not sure how I will do that.
Right now we’re getting nothing for DJ and he needs so much. Sarah we try to buy her some new clothes monthly as she is super fast growing again. Then Christmas is fricken coming. We’re getting her a bike already picked it out. We were gonna get one for Mary too but not anymore. Let them get her one! We may not even be in town for Christmas and I am actually hoping for that.
Anyhow we did get Sarah her skates for skating lessons with Michael’s child support. He is suffering bad too as with the school strike he wasn’t getting paid.
We’re changing to cable phone as it will end up being cheaper for us. Plus cable, net and phone will all be one bill. Sarah can call her relatives anytime she wants all the time and DJ can call his friend in calgary. Plus I talk to Michael and Sherri when I can. Michael and I for a couple of months now have talked alot. It’s nice we are able to be good friends after all we’ve gone through. For my daughter to have lied about him hitting her and then admitting as much God I was so mad at her. This past summer though she spent most of the summer with him and all went really well. She only got mad and said she hated him when he grounded her. Gee big surprise. She’s only happy when she gets her own way and is spoiled. I tried to give her that but one can’t please 24/7 365 days a yr.
Anyhow Sarah has her skates now and is happy. DJ is happy to have some good shoes. As am I as the ones I had for 3 years are finally worn down but I tried to wear them till they were worn down. I got a couple of fleece pullovers as well, as I have all t-shirts and no warm shirts.
Plus now it seems I have psorisis on my arms and I prefer no one see them, so want to hide them. So I watch for sales and grab what I can when I can. But trying to keep Sarah and DJ in clothes and activities first!
I’m happy to see DJ doing his homework cracking back down. He does have his moments but he’s a teen and as time passes and he’s adjusting to living here, so we’re adjusting to life together again.
Been awhile since I talked to Doug, I guess he’s busy with his life and last I heard from him he was just really tired.
I made more chicken soup today, none of us are feeling all that hot. DJ had first part of diabetis test gets blood one done in a couple more hours.
I learned today that GBP means great britian pounds. I feel so stupid I tried something for the first time and go figure I ran across that. Fuckin sucks. Lesson learned but hard one
Anyhow off for now…. Oh 1 more thing I have so fallen in love with these dogs now selling big time in pet stores their called Puggles. Look them up omg they will steal your heart
People seek you out - though they’re not sure why.
http://www.blogthings.com/whatkindoffoodareyouquiz/
Dinner at the Keg
Well Phil took me out for our anniversary the other night to the Keg, never had any inkling that he was going to do anything. I could have cried. He also bought me a sweet card and beautiful roses and lilies with babies breathe. It was just such a surprise, wish I had known to be better dressed. I was wearing a tshirt that said naughty girls have more fun and my nipples were so hard cause I was cold. It was really cold there. Dinner was so awesome we had sirloin steak and alaskan king crab, of course I had escargot as well. OMG it was so good. I still can’t believe he did that. The brat. He didn’t know DJ would be home so we had to take Sarah and she decided to have a fit, but eventually she calmed back down, she had already had pizz so just had mushrooms and a huge ass Brownie thing which she barely ate.
I found the jacket of my dreams online here:
http://www.bikebandit.com/partsbandit/product~pf_id~3516145~dept_id~1286816.asp I also put the pic and link on my new wishlist on HI-5 here:
http://www.hi5.com/friend/wishlist/displayWishList.do?userid=833168
if ya aren’t a member ya can join me with this link:
http://www.hi5.com/i?l=54YDCHW3
I so love that jacket, but the likelihood of my getting it yeah right, but maybe if I save my pennies right?
So I got all the basement cleaned up, I started the kitchen and Phil got onto the rest of it. I also started the livingroom but will get DJ to dust and vacuum. I was going to dust but have to go buy some pledge. I could have sworn I bought some recently. To get the basement done I had a hecka lotta laundry. I haven’t done that much laundry since I washed all Christines and Roger’s. I washed it and dried it and Phil has been putting it away. Nice to be getting everything done and organized. Still looking forward to getting away. It all set up for sure now though.
Sarah came home with a letter that a bunch of kids have fifth disease. of course her best friends have it. I pray she doesn’t get it but I don’t know. Dj was exposed to it too and found out that had worse repercussions than we knew about but hopefully not as bad as we all know it can be. That’s all I can say. We are setting up an appointment for him. He hasn’t been eating anything lately and sleeping alot and sugar seems to help him feel better just normal he calls it. He’s drinking alot of water and pop too. I am praying he doesn’t show up to be diabetic. Maybe it’s nothing but I am one who worries especially because my kids are at high risk for it, very high the doctors told me. Doctor told me I will get it for sure just the timing is all they don’t know. Whatever, I been borderline for quite some time now, maybe I will never get it.
All the cleaning I was up about 48hrs or more and all the cleaning and bending ect I can barely move. I slept from about 2am until 3pm. But been wide awake since. Back to getting laundry dried now it’s all washed. Got lots of blankets now. Thank God cause I am cold alot at night. Trying to convince Phil to get a heated blanket, cause he gets really cold too.
Doug has been still busy busy working. Keeps writing me short emails but says he’s burnt out. I told him just to look after himself.
Apparently DJ’s comp is fried. Dad couldn’t get it up at all. Warren is gonna take a look to be sure. Phil’s is fixed I just have to install the protection on it and mine is running great and protected. I have parental control on it now too whew hoo.
Anyhow that’s it for now. Laterz….
