so today my daughters and I were walking to mayfair on our way home and my older of the two pointed out a gorgeous blonde guy shirt off sitting doing nothing and I was like hello beefcake. e were about 20 feet away and a fence between us and him so yeah but I did have to grab a few looks. However we kept walkin and talkin more about him and then our own stuff. However when we got to the set of lights some chick yells out her car window hurry up the light is going to be green and who runs across the road? Gorgeous no shirt guy… The girls and I looked at one another wonder WTF? how long had he been walking behind us and why? How much had he heard us talk about? We all found that a little creepy. Yeah he was hot but… …uhm yeahhhhhhhhhhhh…
Archive Page 2
16
Aug
Chef Ramsey
Don’t ask me why but I was just sitting here and was thinking what would it be like for a woman to be in in Chef ramsey’s life? can you imagine it? Every second word the man uses is fuck. I rather like the show Kitchen nightmares, he’d probably eat me for breakfast lunch and dinner. He’d probably have me crying in about 2.3 secons or less. No way I can watch Hell’s Kitchen he chews them out and reeats them so he can spit them out again. I don’t know how they get through the abuse. I think to watch Hells Kitchen you have to not have been abused in your lifetime or enjoy abusing or watching abuse of others seriously! Cause me I break down for them I just can’t do it, he is one of the harshest men I have ever seen on TV.
Then my mind started to think about some of his softer moments. Some of you are like say what? lol no seriously if you watch his shows you have to have seen when it has come down to health and family ect he actually comes down to earth and is realistic and kind. I think he truly does have a very soft side, he just doesn’t show it very often on TV and I think that’s how the producers want it to be.
I think I would love to meet him but not for anything more than to just meet him the real him. I am second generation canadian my grandmother is from englad and I don’t like the way the english are coming off in alot of the tv shows over the past couple years. My family are not like these judges and stuff and I think that needs to be fixed. Anyhow wierd that I was thinking about him but there ya go.
Then my mind started to think about some of his softer moments. Some of you are like say what? lol no seriously if you watch his shows you have to have seen when it has come down to health and family ect he actually comes down to earth and is realistic and kind. I think he truly does have a very soft side, he just doesn’t show it very often on TV and I think that’s how the producers want it to be.
I think I would love to meet him but not for anything more than to just meet him the real him. I am second generation canadian my grandmother is from englad and I don’t like the way the english are coming off in alot of the tv shows over the past couple years. My family are not like these judges and stuff and I think that needs to be fixed. Anyhow wierd that I was thinking about him but there ya go.
Find me on facebook tell me where you found me from http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=512194816
So last night I figured out why Storm is really clinging to me and whiney. As he tried to sit and eat his food I noticed the lump I thought I felt is actually alot bigger than I thought and so swollen he can’t sit comfortably, he was very fidgetty while he tried to eat. It had to be his bad leg he already can’t tuck it under him now he can barely sit it hurts. It’s killing me. Storm is like a child to me, only he really does love me unconditionally.If something were to happen to him I would die inside I love him so much. He has an appointment tomorrow at 2:30pm my dad has agreed to take me thank God. Now I need to find some funding. I made some calls but all I got was machines. Their not killing my cat, I won’t let them, I can’t *tears* God I even emailed Phil how bad is that? I doubt I will hear from him though. I wish animals had medical just like us humans. I think they should. Storm has been through so much and he’s come through alot I’m not going to loose him now, not now! You know you look into those eyes and they can’t talk but you can almost hear the words, *tears* I love my Storm!
Mary had a doctors appointment today I didn’t but my mom she got on my case, made me get my iron shot, grrr I hate getting those stupid shots. She’s on my case to get my blood tests done too. I can’t remember the last time I have seen my mother so concerned about my health, I guess that speaks volumes about how bad it’s really gotten. I know when I went to walmart with her the other day I was just about gonna faint but sat before I did. She didn’t like that but at least I sat before sometimes I don’t even get to catch myself. I’ve been eating alot of regular chips lately not because I want chips but because I want salt. If I make food I pour a ton of salt on it. I don’t think I have ever craved salt to this capacity in my life. I hate to see what level my iron is at! Usually I use only the bare minimal of salt it’s crazy.About Mary’s appointment it didn’t go as planned, we’re gonna try for another full checkup in a month, we’ll see. Not real sure I mean she was super freaked out, just real freaked out cryin and shit. There are some points that happen in parenting when you get to them & your kid responds unlike you expected and you know it’s detrimental they see it differently but trying to make them see it that way makes them look like your handing them over to wolves it breaks your heart & you just want to protect them. I mean I stroked her hair and wiped away her tears and inside I was struggling like God she needs to do this but she is just looking so traumatized I want to protect, how do I do both? In the end it didn’t happen and she became much calmer. We discussed it with her the dr and I and we will keep trying till she is comfortable.
Holy fuck I’m having another crying fit, what the hell is wrong with me? I am watching Big Brother 9. OK I admit it I yell at the TV. I am upset for James he is in there all by himself I think and I feel sad for him. I think James is alot like me I think he’d be cool to hang with. He’s not some fucked up 2 faced superfical asshole! There needs to be more people like him in this world. Him going after Shiela I yelled with him lol and I started to cry I thought he was gonna cry too.I am sick of Shiela and her crap. I am glad he let out some steam he has not been himself since Chelsia left. Is there any way to contact the players after the show is over cause serious James really he just seems to really care about people & I would love to be able to tell him that he has impacted my life for the good. Evel Dick too another man who has a great heart he taught me alot about the bond between a father and a daughter. Mary keeps saying spiteful things about her dad and I hate it. She says he won’t be at her wedding I told her there has to be, she said over her dead body, that hurts me. He’s her dad, he may not be the best dad but he’s her dad I wish they would both make more of an effort. It just huurts so much. I raised my girls to love their dad, I called him on holidays ect. His parents bought the cards and gifts. He saw them a couple times a yr. The girls say he talks smack about me & they hate it. Whatever he is still their dad and I want them to love their dad period! DJ too. He was raised since day 1 knowing about his father Bryan Miller from North Bay Ontario. He has always known of him, have told him all the info on his dad I have. When I learn more I tell him. What we really want is a picture even better pictures of his dad. It’s something Mary has held over his head that they’ve seen their dad and he never has such bullcrap!
muahahahahahaha James won POV SUCKA’S SUCK ON THAT! I totally think he has good karma workin in his corner
I got Mary another lamb today. She was so worked up & upset from her appointment & went into the store to pick up a few groceries. I saw this cutest lamb with a pink bathrobe on it so I bought it for her. She loved it. I got her one for easter too it is her hugest one almost as big as her. I have been collecting lambs for her since she born. The biggest thing I haven’t been able to find is upsetting to me is a comforter with a lamb on it. I would love to find a pink or purple comfoter with a lamb on it and the trim to have lambs across it. Would love to have pillow shams and cutains to match but apparently that is never going to happen:( I’m sure eventually I will find a lamb light. I look in the bay stres and isles as well. Eventually I’ll find the plaque with the poem of Mary had a little lamb to hang up in her room. It’s funny cause her step mom got on board and got her a lamb at christmas and it’s the one from Avon it smells really pretty tranquility, now I want one lol:)
Sarah I buy her soccer everything. Having that collection I have learned if you see it buy it right then because it will be gone if you go back for it later. That is a hella popular collection. She also collects hats, so does my dad. My mom has always collected spoons and porcelin dolls, my brother elephants, my sisters snowmen, pennants, clowns(eww), porcelain masks, my neice collects bells, DJ likes dragons, I collect wish boxes, mystical things, victoria francis work, shrek toys, pushback buttons & pins(since grade3 from all over the world, if you would like to send some let me know any kind is good), talking t-shirts, piglet stuff, I like other pink pig stuff too:), black and white cameos.
Crap I am starting to burn up again. I seem to be going through burning up and chills last few days not sure why but rest of me feels fine so it’s probably nuthin. Anyhow off for now…
In Darkness…
Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn’t breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn’t know where I was. Shadows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn’t know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I’m worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day Am back, ya know do you ever feel like you exist only in a dark box? *tears* I think I feel that everyday. Fuck the fact I am bipolar I take my damn meds. But somewhere along the way I feel like someone alot of someone got together they put me in a box and brought me to a desolate dark remote place & left me there. When I came to consciousness I was all alone. Shivering I realized I was tied up and left in some enclosed space. I couldn’t breathe,but somehow, some way I got out. However when I was free I didn’t know where I was. Shdows creeped up around me. water as black as I ever seen, everything was so dark. I cried out somebody, anybody, is anybody there? I cried as I realized I was left for dead and I didn’t know where dead was. Somebody, anybody? Please? I crawled up under a tree and shivered, tears poured down my face. This is where it ends? This is what I’m worth? Why? Eventually I cry myself to sleep. I realize no one will ever calm as each day passes I stop tracking time. no one even passes I stop tracking time. o one even knows I’m gone, everyone was gone before I was gone. I think as I lay under the tree and watch the dark water I somehow was loosing everyone I was close to. No one ever called, or came over or called. I had lost my friends and I didn’t know why, the darkness I felt right then was the picture of what I already felt inside. Tears burned hotly down my face, I was getting weaker, not much longer I thought will anyone notice I’m gone. Will anyone ever find me, will anyone even care? I didn’t know why I was so bad but as I took my last breathes I wrote in the sand, I’m sorry for whatever I did, & know my friends my loved ones today as I take my last breathe I love you, thankyou for impacting my life, see you on the other side…
04
Jun
Guys Do It All The Time…
So this month has been just a sheer heartache for me. I feel like I have let go of anything tangible and have nothing to grab onto. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I am exhausted and tired today. So tired that I want to cry and I can’t. You know just over a week ago I found out Doug had lied to me about everything for 10 long years. Which really shouldn’t matter because I have chosen to be with Phil and not Doug. So what’s the dif everyone says? Regardless it still hurts like hell. I truly, deeply, madly loved and trusted Doug. He was someone I could tell anything to, so yeah it hurt regardless of the fact we were no longer together. He had just recently asked me to choose him over Phil. So lately I had been questioning myself "what if"Then in the last few days I find searches on Phils computer for porn and teen porn. I find a picture of a ladies naked breasts on his phone which he says he never knew was there. Then to top it all off the lady who has text messaged my phone before about Phil cheating on me once again texted me today and said he is still at it and has a kid on the way and won’t leave her alone and wants him to leave her alone but won’t and the sex sucked with him. This is the 3rd instance of her texting me. Everytime Phil says he has no idea why she is doing it. He doesn’t cheat ect. I don’t know what to believe. He yells at me when I ask about it and calls her a cunt and me a bitch for believing it. I don’t know maybe she is just causing trouble. Maybe I should just believe it. I am so confused *tears*
Well anyone who has been a friend of mine in the past 10yrs or so knows about Doug. They know my whole world was wrapped up around him and his words were gospel to me. That my love for him was deeper than any love I thought I would ever have again. That he even has been an issue between Phil and I, that I have struggled with staying with Phil to go back to Doug. That Doug has said he would change if I went back to him and dumped Phil. But that I did choose Phil over Doug.
Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it’s really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself?
I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face.
As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can’t wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing.
We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and lady:)
Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tatta:)
Last night I found out all those years Doug was also with Kath. That he was not sleeping on the couch. That they were only ever really broken up for very short spurts. I learned a ton more but it’s really not worth writing it all out. I mean just what I have written right now is enough. How does a guy get away with that for 10yrs? Now he is going to put someone else through it? How can he live with himself?
I think Phil is happy just another thing to throw in my face to prove he is better than Doug. I hate how he uses shit like that to throw in my face.
As for other things, Summer is getting closer I can’t wait for it to finally get here. I picked up haircolor so I can finally get my hair done. Picked up some new summer clothes for Sarah. I picked up some sweet red dress shoes for myself. When Mary gets here I am finally gonna go buy myself all new pants mine are all too big. Mary is awesome for fashion sence and I am not so I am saving that for a girls day out thing.
We got 2 new fish we named them twinkle and lady:)
Anyhow I shall go for now, hope everyone is doing well, tatta:)
Well I have been on an emotional high finding old friends. Being a military brat we moved so finding old friends means alot to me. Finding and sorting out family has been fun for me and my daughter as well. Facebook is an awesome site, I swear everyone is on there:)
Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them.
Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can’t they figure out what is going on…
Looks like some changes are coming to my life, new beginnings and old endings, probably for the better, but will need emotional supports I think to get through them.
Saw docotor today I am staying on pain meds 4 times a day and she ordered a breath test something to do with ulcers, more blood tests, more stool tests, an upper GI test and getting hold of doctor Amson to have him look me over and do more tests. I am getting so sick of all these fricken tests! Why can’t they figure out what is going on…
Last week it was the Baldwins, this week David Hasellhoff drunk and eating a burger off the floor shot by his 16yr old daughter. Your not safe from the drama even if your a celebrity. What is going on with so many dad’s and why are celebrity kids turning in this stufdf about their dads? That is harsh
04
May
Too Close To Home…
The article below the source is from The Province BC Canada
Teens with toy gun face charges after school locked down
By Matthew Ramsey, The Province
Published: Thursday, May 03, 2007
Chilliwack - Two teens who brought a toy gun to Chilliwack Middle School on Thursday afternoon have some serious explaining to do.
A teacher at the school called police at 2:30 to report seeing the two young people with what appeared to be a handgun.
That call prompted a massive police response which included dogs and an RCMP helicopter. Police locked the school down and searched it until they found and arrested the duo without incident. The two were in custody Thursday afternoon and will be charged. It was not clear whether they are students at the school.
The police treat these matters very seriously," said Const. Bert Paquet. "Bringing these items to school is not a smart move.
Paquet said said staff and students were not at risk.
mramsey@png.canwest.com
This scared me. I felt scared and helpless as I couldn’t do anything but pray my daughter was and would be ok. My middle daughter lives in Chilliwack and goes to the middle school. They already had a threat of guns on the 25th of April and she stayed home that day. Being in Victoria a ferry ride away all I can do is wait and listen for more news. I am relieved that they were toy guns and I hope those two kids suffer imeasurably, what the hell were they fricken thinking? Thankyou God for watching over my kids. Funny my youngest said her sister would be ok cause she has a connection with her sister and if something was wrong she would feel it. Is that not the sweetest thing? I love when my kids talk like that about one another, cause me and my siblings did not get along growing up. I still can’t get along with my drama spoiled princess sister. My brother we have had our moments but we always get over our anger. He’s one of the strongest people I know!
02
May
I Hate The Darkness…
Ok firstly yes I am bipolar, yes I am on meds, obviously I need to go back in and once again have them adjusted cause I am shutting down. I am just so tired of having to go back in and see a fuckin psychiatrist. It makes me feel stupid and unworthy. Ask Phil he’ll tell you you only have to see one if your psychologically fucked up and stupid :’( As for the pain I have been having buscopan seems to be helping with that but makes me even more tired than I already am. The xrays as I said showed that my bowels on the right side are very backed up and I may have irritable bowel syndrome which my mom and possible middle daughter has :’( Today was my ultrasound once again they found something. I had a hysterectomy due to endometriosis and today they found on my ovaries my eggs apparently are not flushing out but attaching to my ovaries which somehow grow? Make like sores and a couple are about half the size of my ovaries. My guess is the dr may choose to now take out my ovaries and that is upsetting cause all I need is menopause added to my already emotioal being. I really thought my ovaries would be fine and dandy. I now apparently will also be having a CT scan just to make sure nothing else is going on. I feel like my brother is right I am gonna end up in the hospital hooked up to machines barely living. I am barely living now. I barely get out of bed right now. I am exhausted and emotional and hurting. I am tired of being yelled at and now Doug well he just put the last knife in my heart.
I was coming home today and what did I see oh yeah broadcasted on a sign for the whole world to see, thanks Doug thanks for that true scorpio revenge you had to do because I chose Phil not you. what 2nd time now I chose Phil and so we can’t even be friends? I wanted to talk to someone today usually I talk to Doug because he’s always been there but now he is not talking to me out of spite. I want to be angry and spite him back but I can’t, it hurts. I know I love Doug and Doug loves me but it just doesn’t seem to be. we’re both in relationships and I want him to be happy. I stuck with him through Kath, through Michelle, through a few women which he says he didn’t consider cheating yeah we have been on and off almost 10yrs now? Always kept best of friends. Just seemed to always miss one another with relationships, one of us always seems to be with someone when the other is not. But we have always known and saidf we loved one another. But when it came down to being with him or Phil I stayed with Phil. I know that hurt, but it hurt me when he stayed with Kath over me so long ago. Not to mention my tat is a permanent mark of my devotion to him even when not together. So yeah his little vengeence trip right now that hurts, I miss my best friend.
Phil came home from work today with flowers, carnations red, yellow and white. No card though. He was really moody though and went out right away. Not sure where and the mood he was in I could careless. He was more concerned that another of his transformer toys didn’t get here today.
I need to make friends. I used to go out alot now I never leave my room. My brother says I am turning into a shutin. No one in my entire life ever would have considered my life to turn this way. I didn’t like being yelled at in front of my friends so eventually I just got together with people less and less, and now never and so when I feel like I feel right now I look at my phone and I have no one to call. All the numbers are Phil’s friends and he has tons.
I was thinking alot today about ontario. God how I miss it there. I have never ever liked it in BC. It doesn’t feel like home, only reason I stayed here is for the kids all their family is here. Phil refuses to go to ontario. IF I had the money and means I think I would seriously consider moving home to ontario. That’s home, that’s where I miss. My middle daughter has been there she loved it. I don’t know, I am supposed to go visit next summer and see Barb in New York which is one thing the only positive thing I hold on to right now. And my middle daughter seeing her this summer. I miss her so much. I just worry about her and Phil, they so do not get along :’( Anyhow I have thought what if I go to ontario next summer and don’t want to come back? I really wish I could just say hey I have the money and means I am off to ontario. Clean slate, new life. Happiness, but life doesn’t work that way does it? I hate life, it keeps ya down….
I had xrays done, blood work and urine samples oh how fun. Turns out my stools on the right side are hugely backed up but all clear on the left side. So she wasn’t sure but thinks I could have irritable bowel syndrome, oh lucky me. But we still have to see with ultra sound and ct scan. They shot me up with toridal and gave me a high dose of ativan and sent me home with a prescription for buscopan and we shall see how that all works out for now. So that’s the story for now…
I hate having emotions. I am hurting and scared and angry more than I am my old bubbly happy social self. I hate this darkness and I want to stop feeling. I just want the world to go away, how do I make that happen? I am tired of the darkness and spontaneous tears. It takes all I have just to sit up in bed right now…
Everyone seems to find a reason for getting up everyday, how do you do that? I seem to have lost my way. Phil told me today apparently most of his family dislikes me or hates me now partially because of that video I uploaded online. I wish I could apologize but I’m not sorry. I am so tired of feeling like no one understands what I go through and even with the video still it got turned around, this is why I hate life. I hate everything. I wish to cease to exist. Obviously I am unworthy in life and in love. *tears* I guess I deserve afterall to be yelled at and called down so here I am world kick me till I am dead…
No I have not gone to hospital yet, so yes still very sick. More if I get up. I feel not so bad if laying still. I don’t want to go through a million tests:( AnyhowI want to say God bless the families and friends of those who lost angels who made their way to heaven this week when Cho shot up Virginia tech on monday. However I do have opinions that are not so popular with anyone. I have sat and watched a million memorials and they most made me cry. I think what the one teacher did should never be forgotten he was brave. The memorials I like best though are the one who included Cho, because yes I believe he too is a victim. A victim of so much and being victimized even more now. His family I can only imagine the pain they are going through listening to how everyone talks of their son. I am angry about how the media has tried to report on things they do not know but think they know and not just on what they know. Trying to make speculations. Also about making such a huge ordeal about the mental illness. Hello I am mentally ill does not mean I am gonna kill a school of people. In fact I am more a danger to myself then to others. I have a sharp tongue but that’s all. I feel so bad for Cho also seen him named as Daniel. If you look at his video he looks tired, he looks sad, like he really didn’t want to do this. I really do feel something or someone pushed him over that edge. Someone out there knows why this went this far and I hope your sorry ass hurts for what has happened. I have cried for Cho as much as I have cried for the victims. I do have to say though, hands down Virginia Tech has handeled this situation better than anything else I have ever seen. They are not acting like this is all they are. They have been strong and joined as one. Their community spirit is one that if the world could be like them would be a much better place. We could be a better world if we took a lesson from the people who were at the forfront of this situation. God bless you and your families. You are so strong and I adore your strength, I wish I had what you had, I wish we all did. God bless you!
Now my other issue right now is Plenty of fish not sure how all the other cities run on that site but Victoria seems to have alot of politics running on it. It is sad and disgusting. I am only on it just for kicks. Doug is on it and I think he is only on there to see how many more women he can piss off and hurt. He gets hurt by alot of women himself. So he has this thing with going to the gym so women will see him get built and be a god. I think he’s fricken crazy it’s making him sick not a god. He has become Mr.Popularity on there. Anyhow he makes one person feel like she is everything meanwhile he is telling someone else he is with her. So he has this "drunk" guys name Angus as his excuse for being an ass. I think it is crap because now quite a few people have been hurt and lied to. I agree I am one of them that has been lied to. I lost my glass slipper, told one thing when really the story was something else. I guess I should have known better. I mean Phil does the same thing all the time:( So now Angus is on this kick to break hearts all over POF and that works for him how? You would think one would learn a scorpio will always sting a scorpio especially if they feel your not giving them what they want, revenge is sweet I suppose :’( I am just not getting why I had to be hurt in the process…
As for the copycats since virginia tech, their out there. Look at the domestic shooting at Nasa yesterday and my middle daughter her school has had threats apparently of a shooting on the 25th. I mean that is so ridiculous and california had that one guy threatening to make VT look mild. He turned himself in. My heart goes out to the columbine families in their anniversaries.
Oh I did write down Dr.Demian Yakel who worked on alot of the VT patients in hospital damn he was a good looking doctor huh?
The convocation for virginia tech was beautiful and I watched the whole thing. Strong people and very well spoken and done. Also watched the candle memorial and cried when they sang we all need somebody to lean on.
The convocation for virginia tech was beautiful and I watched the whole thing. Strong people and very well spoken and done. Also watched the candle memorial and cried when they sang we all need somebody to lean on.
I do want to say yeah for the law passed in the USA this week for further ahead fetusus no longer able to be aborted-yeah yeah yeah. Absolutely yes I agree.
I do want to say 2 Dr.Phil Shows got my attention-Anna Hogan needs to go to fricken hell leave Anna Nicole alone I think she is such a bitch putting out the book Train Wreck-life and death of Anna Nicole Smith she just wants money. grrr bitch
I also wanted to say the family who came on the show Wrongful punishment April 18/2007 the first family on with teen boys totally felt for them and have had that kinda stuff in my house. I was really into that show, thanks for sharing your story…
